I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
You Might Also Like
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”