I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
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Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick