*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
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If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
ibopfufen
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
She was REALLY feeling it.
A ghost story
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.