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Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Need WebMD
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Always.
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Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.