Always.
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If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people