Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
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[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!