So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
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me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
It’s an epidemic…
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.