me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
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never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I hate my earbuds.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
My good tweets are in my other pants.