When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
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I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE