I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
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For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it