People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
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Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.