me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
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*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
so this horse walks into a bar
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Things will get butter, keep churning