Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos![]()
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
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If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.