I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
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Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.