Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
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‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
ready to be harvested
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.