You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
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The clinic won鈥檛 give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Me: I鈥檒l take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I鈥檓 still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she鈥檚 so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pok茅mon Go
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 馃槨
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we鈥檙e not like them
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.馃檮
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.