Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
You Might Also Like
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke