Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I’m already scared
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.