@SmartassChef

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

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@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

@david8hughes

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

@ColonelRyan_I

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

@maughammom

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

@Rollmaninoz

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

@DropDeadJud

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

@TheCiscoKidder

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

@JohnLyonTweets

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

@Birdhumms

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.