I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
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Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Duolingo getting serious.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now