Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.