THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
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ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally