@Jake_Vig

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

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@david8hughes

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

@QwertyJones3

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

@behindyourback

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

@DomesticGoddss

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

@bornmiserable

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

@maisondecris

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

@Jmboyd58

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

@TweetPotato314

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.