If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?