If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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Go hard or stay average
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I want this so bad
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
you know what ruined my childhood? children