I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
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Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Not recommended for beginners.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Fiction has to make sense.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
The biggest mystery of our time
[montage of me giving-up]