[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
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me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though