What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
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Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I’m good, thanks.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?