My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
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My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly