Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.