*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
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Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Only Americans understand
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”