My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
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I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
inside you are two wolves
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣