One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
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5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
called in thicc to work this morning
repaired
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard: