[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Love this guy
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest