According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
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my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
You had me at “define legal”.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Love it! 👍😂
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…