nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
tourist season
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster