nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

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if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s


My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever


“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.


Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.


If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.


all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood


I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”


I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.


One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.