Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
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Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
yes, those are my real potatoes.
when mom throws a party…
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
three things we don’t talk about
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.