When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
You Might Also Like
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
People buying plungers never look happy.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
kevin is now a local weatherman
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.