I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
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Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.