Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Spring cleaning checklist…
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”