My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
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#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I don’t know what to do
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Don’t touch that.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose