most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
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BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.