A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
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No chill.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
mathematically impossible
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
🤣🤣
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do