me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
You Might Also Like
Imma just leave this here…………
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”