Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
You Might Also Like
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*