[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
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Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Feels like the fourth month in January
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!