I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
You Might Also Like
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
👾👾👾
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.