Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
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ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.