My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
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Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Dance like you’re not the father
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.