6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
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“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
When someone says you are so lazy
still the best tweet of the year by far
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.