in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
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I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken