Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Great game to play with friends
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Found my door mat