Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
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If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.